“‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me” —2 Corinthians 12:9
What does being a Homemaker mean? Before having kids, that’s all I wanted: that simplistic yet demanding life of homemade bread, backyard chickens, housecleaning, puzzle making, crocheting and the like. I am here, married now for eight years, a mother of four, and I’ve done all those things. Despite that list of simple desires and accomplishments, I have also gone on to pursue other passions like fitness, health, horses, writing and (failed) home businesses. These things, within reasonable balance, can be healthy additions to anyone’s life, but they often became obsessive priorities for me.
Taking fitness for example, I consider letting go of the fitness lifestyle I have worked on establishing for the past six years. This pursuit went from weight loss, to body composition manipulation, to strength gain, to maintaining my ideal dream body. Fear takes root in me when I miss a workout or choose to do gentler recreational exercise as opposed to fat-burning regimens. I realize life should be about more than mere fitness and aesthetic achievement. And yet, when I consider slowing down and truly living life, letting go of my need to workout, I swallow hard because that means my body will likely gain a softness to it that I’m not sure I want. I see beauty and femininity to that softness but I still can’t let it go completely.
Slacking off on the reins of my fat-burning pursuits might involve weight gain, but it also means more time to relax, to read and to write. It’ll mean more time to garden and go for a walk or a bike ride. I’ll have more time to go to the park with the kids, to soak up the sun, to feel the breeze on my skin or to sit by the water and just contemplate God’s love. Why does that scare me? Why is that stillness and free life so daunting?
I think of this season of life God has granted me—a long-desired break from being overwhelmed—and I find myself wanting to fill those quiet moments with more: more extracurricular, more passions, more studies, more achievements, more accomplishments, more exercise, more, more, more. But the more I contemplate, the more I feel God saying, “Stop, and be still.” It is hard to be still when my educated mind wants to learn, and is craving not only knowledge but a certificate of recognition for all that I have learned. It’s hard to be still when I’ve been overweight in a culture that shames any softness to the body and glorifies a toned, lean body. It’s hard to be still when I have dreams and ideas bursting within.
It is HARD. But here I am writing at my kitchen table, my fifteen month old in my arms making “mmmm” sounds and playing with a plastic pink hairbrush. My coffee mug is empty, I think I want more, the house is otherwise quiet, with the discreet humming of the fridge as the only background noise. It’s autumn, otherwise known as, “Sweater Weather,” and my favourite season. My hair is a messy bun atop my head, cozy slippers on to keep my feet toasty warm and a knitted grey and white cardigan is wrapped around me, comforting me and complimenting this sublime moment that could easily be taken for granted. And, honestly, moments ago I was doing precisely that.
I was just crying because it seems God is closing the door to a passion project of mine. I feel a definite call to pursue a particular project but I am hearing the Lord say, “Not yet.” Waiting is so hard. I want it NOW. I don’t want to wait years for this dream to come to fruition. The dream is alive in me and I want to achieve it, I feel as a woman in the twenty-first century, I have the power to achieve all my dreams, independent of my role as a wife and mother, outside of my job as Homemaker. But is that truth? Or is that Satan’s scheme to keep me busy, so busy that I neglect to cultivate connection and growth where it truly matters?
I’ve been writing mini devotionals such as this for the past three days as I work through my emotions and it has been a true gift. I am not the most gifted speaker, but my fingers fly with their own energy over the keyboard, clapping away blissfully as word after word materializes on the digital screen in front of me. It is ok to be here and not be doing anything else, I try to remind myself. But it isn’t easy. In a culture of working women and entrepreneurs, in a culture of fitness models and Fit Moms, spending the day slowly meandering from one task to the next, from one uncertified hobby to the other while building lego houses and scrubbing finger paint from the kitchen table, it is certainly not easy.
God, today I ask for the grace to reclaim this moment and my vocation for Your glory. Lend me the wisdom and the confidence to cultivate a happy and loving home for myself and my family. Teach me Your Truth and Your Ways, and fulfill my heart in my faithfulness. Help me to see Your will for me and guard me from Satan’s plan to create noise and distractions in my life. I am your daughter, your Warrior Princess and nothing else matters except for Your Kingdom and Your Name to be protected and proclaimed. Help me to hold true to that and be a witness to the world. Amen.
Thank you for reading and God bless!