[…] a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance.”
– Ecclesiastes 3:4

Disclosure: content and images included in this post depict infant loss and may be triggering for some.

Aware of the impending grief, I sought distraction – chores, work, alcohol – anything to avoid facing the feared onslaught of this difficult anniversary. I tried to escape it, but my efforts were useless. Try as I might, I could not ignore the pain bursting through the cracks in my broken heart.

So today, I mourn.

While my kids are in school, while I could be at work, out Christmas shopping, or using this personal day to clean my never-clean-enough home, I put all on hold to sit with the uncomfortable emotions. Although I dreaded this, I know the necessity in it. Through journaling, I reflect on the good and the bad, I open what is locked away and bring light to shine on the darkness festering within.

November 7, 2022, marks the one-year anniversary of the birth of our fifth child, our son Raphaël.

At only a few days shy of 26 weeks gestation, he kicked and moved and lived inside of me, but tragedy would strike. My heart would stop beating – again and again and again. In other words, I would die. And, yet, I would miraculously survive. The fragile heart of our unborn son, Raphaël, however, would cease beating and I would later give birth to a perfect and beautiful, blond-headed little angel.

Most days are good days, but every once in a while, I will inevitably be triggered. My arms will feel empty, my heart will ache, and the tears will come. With shuddering wails, I cry out for him and wish that he might somehow return to me – physical and tangible, alive and well. Yet, despite our loss, there has been much joy and inexplicable healing. Physically, I have been restored, though I am convinced that Raphaël’s impact on our lives and his intercession for our family’s healing is not complete.

We are on a journey and our little boy is a very real part of it – albeit unconventionally. I believe he is with us, praying for us and watching over our family. By his prayers, I am confident more healing awaits us in God’s time.